I dislike failing at things although I know that we can’t succeed at everything in life. I have failed many times in live and I like to think that those failures have informed the woman that I’ve become. I’ve lost at plenty of things, lost men that I thought I loved, lost people that I really did love, lost a bunch of my writings many times. I know how it feels to fail and to lose. But none of that changes the fact that failure burns; it is worse than the roughest bout of GERD or acid reflux.
I say all of this to lay the ground for my latest feeling of failure. NaNoWriMo…yes, the annual writing event that I was so excited about a mere thirteen days ago. I keep looking at my story and it is nowhere near what it was supposed to be. I feel like everything that I’m writing is pure garbage and that I am never going to finish the story. Never! This is the first time that I’ve ever felt this way about anything that I’ve written during the month of November; possibly with the exception of my thesis. I lost a bunch of words on the first day and that impacted my ability to create but…there is just a never ending cycle of negative feelings whenever I sit down to try to further the story. I wonder every day if I should have chosen a different story for this year. I have several others that I could have tackled but maybe…there are a million things that I could have done differently but I am still committed to this story. Not more than ever but I am determined to succeed at getting at least 50,000 words written on it even if I hate it when I’m finished. At least I’ll have something to revise. That’s good enough for now.
So I’ll bite back these feelings of failure and trudge on. Here’s to writing 2000 words a day to catch up and hopefully win NaNoWriMo.